Questions

I don't blog very often. Surprise, surprise. But it's not that I don't have a lot to write about. I do.

The other day, someone asked me if I ever miss South Africa. I was a little taken aback. Because what I know, is that I miss it all the time. Our walls are full of pictures of places we saw and people we grew to love while we were there. The way we eat, decorate, and think has all changed - because of our time there. I often think and dream of the places we spent time, and the precious friends I grew to love so quickly there. 

But I guess I don't talk about it very much. Maybe because there's so much to still sort through in my mind. But honestly, the best way I've ever sorted through things is to write. So when she asked me if I miss it, I realized, maybe I need to start writing more about it. Maybe it will help me "get sorted." And maybe I should be sharing some of the things I loved and learned with other people too. 

I think I have this thought that other people don't want to know? Or maybe it's that, I just don't know how to express all that's on my heart. Maybe I need to stop asking these questions, and just write.

The "why's" - why we were there so much shorter than we'd thought, why Atle could only be with us such a short time, why we felt so called to go (if we weren't supposed to stay), why we were supposed to leave - those heavy questions have lightened a little. One of the biggest things that has helped is how firmly we feel about God having us here, in North Carolina, and at our new church. We see His hand so clearly in providing a home and amazing church family for us here. As time goes on, I come more to terms with our coming back. I see the benefits of being here, even though I miss it there so much. I also see how much we've changed, and I know that is one of the reasons God led us there. I think of all the happy memories we made and how we grew as a family. I think of how rich Norah's life has been in just 2 years, because of the experiences we've had as a family. And I'm thankful. I also realize that there is a place where I need to leave the past alone, and let God lead us into something new.

There's other feelings I struggle with. Like how do we approach missions and ministry now? Is our (meaning the general American Church's) current approach right? When we go on short term trips and take photos and say how badly we want to bring all the kids home with us, is that right? I read a blog my sweet friend, Karen, from Cape Town shared with me about adoption, and it's made me think even more. About the good, but oh-so-ignorant, intentions we have in helping the poor. Missions, "orphan ministry," and adoption were all things I have held as my ideals for a very long time. I know these are things God still has on my and Andy's hearts (and in our futures), but I just feel a little jaded about my old mindset towards them. Somehow taking pictures of kids in the streets of slums and showing them to all my friends doesn't seem as glorious and holy as it once did. Somehow it now seems a lot more complicated. Maybe even wrong. Because these people have dignity to me now. These people spent time in my home, shared food with me, and I learned they are just people like me. Except I can move back to America, buy a nice house, and only keep the photos as evidence that I experienced what they live through every single day.

On the flip side, my life is not all dark and contemplative...I really am loving truly being home with Norah. I've started some really simple home-preschool with her (read about it here), I'm back to exploring cooking, housework (in 4 months of living with people I had a break from those things!), making goals for our family, and just enjoying our home life.  I'm so thankful. Being a mom truly makes me feel alive. I love it. And I'm getting more and more excited to meet our new baby in April.  Also, Andy loves his work, and is thriving in it, which I love to see. I am also really thankful for the opportunity for me (and Andy) to be helping a few hours a week at our church's Dream Center. I love that our church has this outreach to at-risk kids. Kids come after school and get help with homework and learn about God. It's really amazing, and I am glad we get to be a part of it.

So there you go - my thoughts for the day! I know God's going to help me sort through these things, just like He's had a purpose in each step He's led us on. You know, maybe I won't get all the answers, but my heart really just needs to get close to Him again and feel His presence, knowing He's in control of it all. 

Sadness...

the team with our Gran :)

The past few weeks have been quite an emotional journey for me. My sister and her family, who came to South Africa with us and who have been our teammates in ministry, have decided that they must leave to go back to the States. I have just shared this news with supporters, and my sister wrote a beautiful, personal explanation of their decision on her blog here. I have been quiet here on my blog the past few weeks because until I was free to share this, it would have been difficult to be honest with my feelings. Their leaving affects our lives here in many ways. It affects our view point, it affects our ministry, our day to day life, our friendships. Claire and Bryan have been our closest friends over the past few months (and of course Claire and I have been best friends through LIFE - so to live near each other for a few months with our families was an incredible gift from God. We never lived near each other in the States since being married and away from home. I am so thankful we were able to support each other in these first few months of adjusting to the missions field and a brand new culture. Bryan and Andy have worked so well together, and our girls play together so beautifully (aside from the occasional hair pulling or dummie-stealing, of course). Though we have missed our other family members so very much, it was a comfort to have each other in this huge step. It was also a bit of a dream come true to finally live near my sister after several years apart.

Obviously we planned on all being here longer. I have had my nights of confusion and frustration. I have come more to terms for now with everything, but I am preparing myself for a new flood of emotions in a few weeks when they actually leave. I am supportive of my sister and her husband for doing what they think is best for their family, but of course it doesn't stop the sadness. 

This has all led Andy and I to a lot of conversations and prayer about what God's will is for our family. While we mourn the leaving of Claire, Bryan, Peyton, and the little niece-to-be, and while we grieve their loss from our lives and ministry here, we also feel that God is showing us that even as they are feeling led to return to the States, He is leading us to stay here, at least for this season. We are feeling a sense that there is much more He wants our family to experience and learn and be involved with here. It gives us a sense of excitement and anticipation, even in the sadness. We are excited to see God's plan unfold, even while we pray He continues to give us clarity for the decisions we must make to follow the path in front of us. One of the ways we are acting this out is by pursuing renting an unfurnished home. We raised "start-up" money to reestablish our home, replacing the furnishings and necessities we left behind in Ohio. However, we have been in a furnished apartment for now, since we did not know where for sure we would live, etc when we got here. For us, the step of moving into an unfurnished apartment, and pursuing a bit longer lease (12-18 mos for now) is very symbolic. It means that we are putting down some sort of roots. It means we are saying, we are here - for however long that will be. We have no idea how long God has us here. It could be just 2 years, it could be longer. But we feel the strong desire to make home here for our family and for ministry in this season. We feel we are to "settle" at least for now, and be all here - not living with the mindset that we will be leaving soon. 

I am anticipating a new flood of loneliness, homesickness, fear, and anxiety when my sister leaves. I am preparing for those emotions. I know it will be difficult to maintain the closeness of all our family relationships. I am sad for Norah who is the only grandchild on both sides to not be near her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I am afraid that Norah and Peyton will really feel the loss of each other. I definitely have a lot of those moments where I think, "what am I doing here?" But I also have a sense of God working in our family, drawing us closer, being here with us, and doing something way beyond what I can see. The unseen. I have to look for the unseen, once again. And once again, I must make home wherever we are for my family. In this apartment, in a new one, in a foreign country or my own. Wherever it is God has us, no matter who is or is not with us. 

I know that the memories my sister and I and our families share from this time will always be there. And I feel good when I think that they are trying to do what is best for their family. We're sisters, but our husbands and babies always come first. I know that just as Andy and I must do what we feel God is calling us to do for Norah, Claire must do for Peyton and their other children. And I support her in that. And our dream that one day we will be little old ladies together still stands. :)

Please say a prayer for me and for my sister in this time, pray that God gives all of us clarity for His vision for us and our families, and for the work He has called each of us to do. 

My Cup

Some of you know that this past month and a half in South Africa has caused a bit of confusion for me as to what my role is here. I had a lot of expectations for how I personally would be useful here. I guess I envisioned myself with Norah in the sling, going every day to the townships with Andy, tutoring, teaching, and just doing it all. But it's not quite working out that way. :) As reality sets in and we are beginning to experience more what life and ministry will actually look like here, I am realizing that those ideas for me are just not practical. I have spent a lot of time praying, talking, and processing my role. I have had so much encouragement from my mom, my mother-in-law, my sister, and friends who are mothers here about the importance of focusing on my family. I knew all this, but I had to realize it,  and put everything together that they had said and that God was saying to me.
I have finally come to see that even Jesus, the Son of God, who could have saved the entire world in an instant, focused on just what God had given Him to do. He could have healed everyone, and He could have changed every person's heart to cause them to believe, but instead He submitted to God's will - the cross. He could have saved everyone, but He focused on investing in those 12 disciples that God gave Him. And through God speaking to me through my friends and family, I have realized that this (being a wife and mommy) is my cup, and as one friend put it, I can only do "what's in my hands." I heard T.D. Jakes say that submission is when you expected a large crowd and God gives you only a few. I may have envisioned myself as working with hundreds of kids, but God has given me one right now - my baby girl. My mom told me that as I pour myself into Norah, my cup will "spill over." The night she told me that, as I put Norah to bed and recited Psalm 23 to her like I do every night, the line about "my cup runs over" leapt out in my mind. All I can do right now is drink the cup God has given me. And what a wonderful cup it is! And as I do what is in my hands to do, it will spill over to others as well.

I have talked a lot in the past about how I believe my role as a woman is to support my husband, care for my children and our home. But I am tested now to see if I really will act on that in my life. I am convicted of talking about it but not really following through. Or not really believing the importance of it.  Not really trusting that God's way for me is best in accomplishing His work.

Andy's days are quickly becoming very full with ministry work. I want to be free to be the support he needs. I want to see myself as a part of what he is doing. I don't want to be too busy and stressed out to listen to him and encourage him. He has also asked me to help him by having kids to our home to spend time with them. I will also take on more of the blogging, writing our newsletter, monitoring our schedule, and possibly other admin needs that arise. I am going to have a couple girls over today so we can bake together, and I plan to set up a regular baking/sewing day. We also plan to start having kids over more regularly for meals and game nights. I am so excited to be able to serve from our home in this way. We also plan to host (not lead) a small group in our home twice a month, so we can be a part of a Bible study and be growing together as a couple - and not have to get a babysitter! My sister and I are still pursuing starting a monthly group to support a few of the teenage moms from Africa Jam as well. And of course, my days will continue to be full with not only taking care of our home but caring for the sweetest, most energetic and fun 9 month old I know - Norah. I don't want to miss out on a second of her life. I want to be teaching her, giving her all the attention she needs, and just enjoying her. She is only little once.

I feel excited to have a renewed vision. Please pray for me to continue steadfastly in it!

An excerpt from my journal: Thorns

Hosea 10:13:
"You have plowed iniquity; you have reaped injustice."


South Africa is experiencing the fruit of injustice, because years ago they plowed iniquity in their actions that led to apartheid. Now they are reaping what they sowed: terrible injustice. Yet, Lord, why do the whites whose ancestors plowed the iniquity not suffer? And the blacks remain in poverty with all the evils that come with it? But I know that luxury and riches carry their own evils, more subtle but more intense. And after all, it is the poor in spirit who will inherit the kingdom of heaven.

Lord keep my eyes on eternity. Here they may live in a shack,

 but there a mansion built by You.

Jeremiah 4:3:
"Break up your fallow ground, and sow not among thorns."
Matthew 13:22:
"As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful."

They may appear successful, but are their riches choking out God's fruit?

The seed sown is Gospel. Not just personal salvation from hell. But Kingdom Living: justice, mercy, righteousness, faith.

How easily these get choked out of my life, or prove unfruitful, because of the deceitfulness of riches and the cares of the world?

I am not "safe" from this here. How easy it is to get caught up in the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches, while poverty is on my doorstep, and outside my window.

Isaiah 45:8: God says:
"Shower, O heavens, from above, and let the clouds rain down righteousness; let the earth open, that salvation and righteousness may bear fruit; let the earth cause them both to sprout; I the Lord have created it."


He created South Africa. He created our hearts. Lord open us up so Your salvation and righteousness may bear fruit here, let us be soil that fosters them to sprout.

Presence

Once again, He reminds me of how much I need His presence. “Don’t try to finish in your strength what was started in My Spirit,” He reminds me.

With His presence is power, purpose, and the removal of fear.

I am submitting myself to Him again, to complete His work, not my own.

I have held back from serving Him in fear, fear for my child and my family.
But Norah is His child.  I am merely a representative of Him in her life, to direct her not in the way that pleases me, but the way that pleases Him. Do I trust His purposes for her? Do I trust enough to submit to the way that He wants to bring those about? Will I align myself to whatever His purposes are for her?

Jesus only did what He saw the Father do. He must have wanted to do so much, and He could have, for the broken world He came into. Yet He submitted to God’s way of saving the world, and how glad we are that He did.
Whether in ministry or in parenting, I must not try to complete the work in my own strength or wisdom. I must trust God’s way of working here, and His way of working in Norah’s life.

There is SO much to be done here. There's intense poverty, there's young moms and dads that don't know how to parent, there's young Christians needing discipling, there's homelessness, disease, child abuse, and so much more. There is need everywhere. On one  hand, I just want to jump in and try to help in any and every direction. On the other hand, I just want to stay in my house with Norah and take care of her and shelter her from everything. I mustn't do either. God has a plan for us here. It may feel smaller to me than saving South Africa. And it may also feel more overwhelming at times than just being a mom and not worrying about the world outside at all. We don't totally know what His plan for us here looks like practically yet, but what we do know is that we must follow His vision, in His way, or nothing we do will matter. And we must trust that that plan also concerns Norah, and God is fully prepared to protect and form her, in His great love and delight for her.

Something God showed me this week

With life being the way it has been the past several weeks, I have gotten out of my routine and haven't been spending time in the Word every day. Yesterday I just sat down and did it - took some time to read and journal and pray, and it made all the difference. I know that I need to be in God's presence even more than ever right now!

Something I felt God was showing me immediately as I read (in Ephesians 4-6) was to reevaluate my attitude and behavior toward my husband. Awhile ago I felt like God was reminding me that one of my biggest (or the biggest) role I have in our ministry is to encourage and support and help him. Sometimes that means standing back a little bit to take care of things behind the scenes. Sometimes it means taking care of Norah so Andy can take care of the other work. Sometimes it means giving him moral support. It takes all sorts of faces. But I realized last night that I have all these desires about how to help others, but sometimes I don't even want to get up off the couch to get something for him, or just make dinner! Just little things, that are required in living a life of love (Eph. 5:1). With this in mind and in prayer today I already noticed a huge change in my attitude. Hopefully he noticed too. I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is my attitude as the woman that determines the tone of my home, my marriage, my family, but often what comes out of me is not the tone I want to see here.

I'm so thankful for the man I get to spend my life with, have adventures with, serve together, raise a family together. I want to show him (and everyone else) how much I really love him. And I want to do it not only for him but first for God, and also for my family.

Will you pray for me for this?

Simplicity

This article from Titus2atthewell.com was definitely what I needed to hear this week! For some reason, because I have a baby I also feel that I am supposed to be an excellent baker/cook/seamstress/home decorator/ housekeeper, plus an amazing, ever-patient and supportive wife, exercise every single day, get up early every single day, look beautiful and put together every day, and on and on. This article reminded me that even though all of these things are good, I need to just be who God wants me to be today. And all those good things I want to be as a Christian women - many will come in time. But not all at once. Please read this, even if you aren't married or a mom, and read it especially if you are a woman. The author includes a prayer at the end of the article, and in it she says that, "If we are feeling driven and beaten down it is not because of You, it is likely us doing more than You expect from us..."
I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of living in self-imposed guilt. The expectations I place on myself are far more than God expects from me, yet I often set them up as a god in my life. Every night when I realize I haven't measured up, I feel guilty, stressed, and beaten down. This is not from God. This is not abiding, remaining, in His love.

Furthermore, I want to teach my daughter to be content in who God made her to be. I don't want her to be endlessly striving, comparing herself to others or to unreachable standards. I want her to be beautiful as she lives in the quiet pastures the Shepherd leads her beside - just living out the life He chose for her.

Enjoy and embrace the person God created you to be today. And just do that that He requires of you today. Don't try to be everything at once. We can't do it. That's why we need God!

His Friend and Love

I just have to share what I learned today. I have been reading in John 15, and really thinking a lot about the whole concept of abiding/remaining in Christ. I have been thinking about it a lot in several areas of my life. And just about having that attitude of relaxing and just being. Not only in my relationship with Christ, but also in my relationship with my family. I have been reading a very interesting book about the way young children learn - how parents feel pressured to push them from an early age to become successful geniuses, but that its more effective as a parent to just spend time with your child, playing with and interacting with them in normal contexts. And in my marriage, I know that it is more important to enjoy and spend time with my husband then to try to be super-housewife (which I am anything but). Back to my relationship with Christ, just as I do with my baby and my husband, I tend to strive to DO all these things and feel guilty when I don't accomplish them. But the only way I can get anything done, Christ says, is to relax and abide, just remain in His Presence, connected to Him. (That's another thing I've been thinking about - His Presence. Just to have Him present is so powerful!) And there IS doing involved in abiding. When we abide (or remain), John 15 says, we obey His commands. And when we obey His commands we abide/remain. What is His command? To LOVE one another as Christ loved us.

And here is the coolest part that I am so excited about (this all comes from John 15:9-17: When we share in the God-act of loving others, we share in God's heart, we are directly connected to His flow of love, and we are His friends! We relate to the business of God - which is Love!
This means we can never run out of love. Love is, in fact, what keeps us so connected with Him. The more we love, the more God pours His love back into us. So we can never run out of love for others or love so much that we ourselves go unloved. It's impossible!

Quick update

Do you like this fabric? I am using it to make a duvet for our bedroom in our new apartment in Cape Town! It is part of an effort to save money, make our new home comfortable and beautiful to us, and to expand my domestic skills. I have recently become quite interested in sewing (though I'm not at all good at it, and my sewing machine isn't working correctly so it is a very drawn out process). I found an easy to follow tutorial to guide me.

Speaking of Cape Town, if you are following our website www.reachingcapetown.com, and viewing the newsletters there, you know that we bought tickets and will be arriving, Lord-willing, June 1. It is hard to believe how close it is. I am so thankful that my dear sister and her family bought their tickets as well and will be arriving just 8 hours before we do. We have found an apartment (hence the duvet) which we have seen pictures of. So I am trying to think of ideas of what we need and how to decorate it inexpensively but in a way to make it home. I know that will greatly help our transition. I believe it is important to make our home a place we feel comfortable and happy! I am excited to make our new house a home in creative ways. I have found a new bloggy friend who has been emailing me some awesome ideas for how to do this. Check out her blog - Shilo is a missionary mom in Paraguay and she has found ways to make her homes overseas beautiful. I love her writings on how God showed her that He gave her her desire to create a beautiful home. After all, He is the ultimate Designer/Decorater/Creator!

I am longing to write more but my little sweetheart takes VERY short naps, and I hear her calling now. So my opportunities are few and far between. I hope to keep updating, even briefly, more frequently though. Please keep checking our family site (mentioned above) for updates about our move and ministry, and check here for my more personal thoughts about my life, faith, emotions, and ponderings on wife- and mommyhood and homemaking.

Here's a recent shot of the little one - 6 months next week!

Adonai - Week 4

This week in the on-line Bible study I am participating in (see above) we focused on the name of God, "Adonai" - which means Lord. Jesus is to be our Lord and Master.

The key text we read from in today's study was Nehemiah 4:7-8, 10-14.
The enemy is trying to force his way into the gaps so he can destroy our homes, families, and churches. We have to submit to Jesus' Lordship and fight for our families. And when we are tired, the Lord is fighting for us, and His people fight for us through prayer. We find strength to fight when we remember the Lord who is great and awesome. He is the one who called us, He is the one who created and sustains our families, our homes, and our churches.

Today's discussion question is, who is master of my life, who am I allowing to rule over me?
This question is heavy; I hope to say that God is my Master and the one ruling every part of my life. But as I step back and examine what one thing motivates me, I see that there is a struggle with another master - the master of who I am supposed to be.Who I think I am supposed to be, whether in God's eyes or people's. I have always been a people-pleaser, trying to make others happy. Unfortunately I have often carried that desire for approval into my relationship with God. I try to do my best in everything, whether to meet my own self-set goals, to do what I think will make others feel good about me, or to do what I think will make God approve of me. I can never please everyone, and I can't ever meet all the goals I set for myself, and I can't even do all the things I think God would be pleased with me if I do, so of course this releases a constant stream of guilt.
God has been revealing this tendency to me for a long time, and it's something I continue to work through with Him. I'm thankful for this topic today to remind me again to let it go. I can't please God through anything I can do or be. I certainly can't always please people. (When I do try to please people, I often end up compromising who or what are most important in my life). This drive for approval comes from FEAR and not love.
God LOVES me, and that's why He sent His Son to do all that I could not do. When I rest in that, that love is enough to drive out all my fear (1 John 4:18).
So once again, I am letting go of that "need" to win the approval of God and people. God already approves of me because of what His Son did for me. And His is the only approval I need. I want to stop allowing the fear of what others think to control me. The only way I can please God now is through trusting in Him and resting in Him - which means going with the flow of His Spirit and moving where He is leading me. And that means I have to often go against what people want from me. I have to go with Him. In that comes fighting for my family and my home, and that often means I can't please everyone else. I don't want the enemy using people or fear to come into the gaps in my family anymore. I want to "remember the Lord" and fight!

session 3 study - Immanuel

Today’s Discussion Question:
How comforting is it to you to know that God is with you, through the good and the bad, always protecting you and always loving you?

It is very comforting to know that God is Immanuel, always with me. I find peace in the fact that I am never alone, and can never go anywhere out of His presence (Psalm 139). With His presence comes power, and today I take encouragement from that. He is with me and His power is with me, to enable me to do what He asks me to do. His presence and power is with me to lead me in the way I should go. To be the mother He wants me to be, the wife He's called me to be, the child of Him walking in the paths He has created for me.

Yahweh - session 2 study

Today I am participating in session 2 of the online study at At the Well.
This week's study focused on the name of God, "Yahweh." This incredible name represents so much of the beauty of who God is. It represents that He is and brings Freedom, Safety, Power, Healing, Salvation, Provision. The name in Scripture is closely related to His redemption of His people.

As I listened and reflected on the meaning of this name, I felt more in awe and in love with who God is! Just knowing who He is renews and transforms who we are.

One point from Jenifer Jernigan's teaching this week that stood out to me was that when God made His covenant with Abraham, Abraham was asleep. So Abraham had nothing to do with the covenant. It was entirely derived from God, which meant that God would be responsible to fulfill it. God is entirely faithful to His word to us, and it does not depend on us!

This week's question is, what is a time God has been faithful in my life? I have seen God's faithfulness

in so many ways. One area that always comes to mind is my marriage, and the bringing together of my husband and me. We met at the end of high school and thus, were separated most of our college years. It took so much faith and prayer and commitment for us to get through those years before we were finally married. I look back on that time as one of the hardest seasons of my life - he was my best friend and I missed him so much. It took all my faith to trust that God was bringing us together and He would keep us together. Through distance, doubts, and fears, He grew us closer, and on September 29, 2007, we were married. God continues to be faithful to grow us in our marriage, and I see His faithfulness in answering prayers for and in our marriage now. One of the doubts I had in our relationship was that I felt a call to missions, and I wasn't sure that Andy did. I wrestled with thinking that I had to choose Andy or missions. I realized that God had brought Andy into my life and that He would take care of any conflict in my heart. After all, God had led me to Andy and God had burdened my heart for missions, so God would fulfill the work He had started. But this realization was a real struggle for me. I wanted to do the "right" thing. But now, as we approach moving to South Africa to serve TOGETHER as a family, and as this is now completely initiated by my husband, I see that God was faithfully working out His plan all along. He brought us together so we could serve as a team.

God has been faithful beyond what I could have ever imagined. He has fulfilled all the desires of my heart, and He will continue if I delight in Him! (Psalm 37:4).

Who is God to me?

Today's question for the God Who Are You study is who is God to me? Titus2AttheWell.com

What comes to mind first is Someone who is always there for me...I think of Someone who knows everything I've been through and who has been there for each struggle and joy. A constant Friend and Companion. He knows my deepest thoughts and He really does care for each one.
Becoming a parent has revealed more of how deep His love is. I love my baby so much, and that shows me a little more of how much He must love me.

I've always wanted to experience His love more and know my identity to Him more. I think I also want to grow in reverence for Him and in really prioritizing Him, really seeing Him as a Person to follow, not just a belief or something I do to clear my conscience. I want to be passionate about Him and in love with Him.

A Reminder

I just stumbled across this letter I wrote to myself before I left Russia in July 2006. We were supposed to write ourselves a letter before we left, that Buckner (the agency I went with) would then send to us a year later, to remind ourselves of all we had learned on the trip. It is as much or more of a help to me reading it now, three and a half years later:

"Leigh,

Remember Russia? Have you learned to speak Russian fluently yet? I'm excited to see where God has brought me in a year. Today, as I write this only a few hours prior to leaving this amazing country, I'm thinking of how I want to remember this, and yet be able to move on to the new things God has in store too...
God taught me so much this month. I'm eager to get alone at home to just reflect on it all. I learned to pour out love - how hard it is. It hurts my heart so much. But I learned how important it is to pour out Christ's love (and not my own) without reserve, although it is risky. See, those kids have been so hurt that they are so afraid to love. But perfect love has no fear, and Christ loved us and has called us to love them with our all, in response to and imitation of Him.
You also learned to trust God with details. He takes care of every little thing. Money, others' hearts, your life. He'll take care of you wherever you are now.
You learned plenty about team life and work. And respecting other cultures, and being humble, forgiving. And God just blessed you graciously with beautiful friendships...
And finally, rely with all your heart on the grace of Jesus. He's everything you need..."

Our Charge

Sunday at church, as I was singing along in the worship service...I got this thought, that there is a spiritual battle going on for my family. Lately I have been trying to prepare as much as possible for the new stage of our family - the baby - through Bible study, prayer, reading on child care and parenting, talking to other moms, preparing our home, even trying to learn new recipes and experiment with new strategies for menu planning...Through this season of preparation, my emotions have been wide-ranged. But in it I believe God is teaching me some important things about my family, and my place in it.


First of all, I have been impressed with how God really has called me to my husband and daughter. Marriage and motherhood have always been my dream. I remember playing in our playhouse as a little girl with my sister and our baby dolls, and longing for the day when I would have my own home, husband, and baby. Now God is giving that to me! And with it comes a whole lot more fear and trepidation, as well as excitement and joy, than I had imagined as that little girl playing in the backyard playhouse. Because now I am married to a real man with real needs and real emotions and that brings real challenges. And I am soon to hold in my arms a real baby with real needs, and a future that, in so many ways, depends on me and her Dad.
I am impressed by the gravity of this...What we do even in the first days of Norah's life will affect her future. Every day she will be developing and learning; we are going to play a tremendous role in shaping her.
There are things God is asking me to do, and the way I respond not only affects my relationship with Him, but also mine with my husband and my daughter. If I say yes or no to God in each thing He asks me to do, I will have to represent that not only to Him, but to her as well. In sixteen years, will I be able to tell Norah that I said yes to God in whatever He asked me to do, that I respected and helped her dad and always obeyed God in regards to her life?


In Proverbs 31: 29, the husband of the virtuous woman praises her, saying: "Many women do noble things, 
but you surpass them all." 

I could do a lot of noble things, but will what I spend my life on cause my husband to praise me like this? And my children to call me blessed (v. 28)?

I want to be faithful...I want to be committed to praying for my husband and my children. I want to be a blessing to them, and I want to enable them to be a blessing - by standing by my husband no matter what, and raising my daughter to love the Lord and obey Him. 

This responsibility, to submit to and help my husband, train and care for and love my children, and keep our home - is something I can only achieve with the Holy Spirit. And it IS a spiritual battle. The family is so vital in the Kingdom. God wants united marriages because He seeks godly children out of them (Malachi 2:15). God wants cooperative marriages that emulate the relationship between Christ and the Church (see Ephesians 5) because He seeks marriage to reflect His love for His people. Why else are families in such crisis except for that it is a spiritual battle? Satan wants to attack the plan of God for marriage and family. 

My friend recently told me that sometimes the greatest form of spiritual warfare is to simply live opposite to the way the world does: i.e., if families and homes around us are broken, some of the greatest battle we can do against that is to establish our own families and homes as godly ones. I have always felt a passion for helping hurting families, especially the children affected by them. But right now, my primary job is to make my home, my family, an exception to the statistics. To choose grace and choose to obey God in caring for my family. And in that, I believe God will enable us to help other families and kids who are hurting, to show His love for them by living it out in our lives. 

Will you pray for me? I know I cannot do this on my own. God has entrusted something so great to me, and I want to be able to hear Him say I did well. I want my husband to be all he can be, and that I would do my part in helping him. I want my daughter to be a gracious and godly woman, and I want to do my part in raising her in this way.

And I pray that your family also would be one that threatens the enemy, in the grace and light displayed by your love and unity. 

Identity

Last night in our Bible study, we talked about knowing who we are in Christ, from Colossians 1:19-23. How when we know this, we don't have to come to God with fear, because we know His love for us that justifies us. We are holy in His sight. He sees us without blemish or accusation. He has reconciled us...bringing us from being His enemies to being holy in His eyes.
Afterwards, we had a time of silence and prayer to reflect on these truths and listen to what God might want to bring to our minds. As I was sitting there, I started thinking about the kids I tutor. I started seeing their faces, and wondering, what would they be like if they knew who they can be in Christ? The confidence and power it would give them if they knew their true worth, true potential, and that they are without blemish and accusation because of Jesus...

Then I thought of a girl I saw this week. I was waiting for one of my students at one of the middle schools where I tutor. As I was sitting in the office a 12 or 13 year old girl rushed in sobbing. One of the office staff hugged her and took her aside. Then my student arrived and we went to another room to have our session. A little while later, my student went out to go to the bathroom. When she came back, she told me she had seen something really sad. She said she passed a room with a girl crying, talking to the staff, and she overheard them saying something about her being pregnant. I knew it was the girl I had seen and my heart just grew heavy for her. I have thought of her all week. She is so young. Will her baby make it? And what about her? How did this happen? Was she abused or raped? And what will happen? This will change the rest of her life. Will her child be born safely, and raised in a safe, positive environment? I hurt for this girl and think, what if she knew who she is in Christ?
How many people would be different if they knew their real identity? That they are loved and can be made whole. That they have worth, they have a future and a hope. I can't help but wonder.

Me and Andy

Our Little Brothers - two little boys Andy mentors

Now they're going to be Big Brothers too!!

New

New. New year...even though I'm two months late really to write much about it. New month. New opportunities...New life. New life is inside me right now, and it's about as old as this year!

So this year, early on New Year's Day, before I went to bed after watching the ball drop on TV with my family, I spent some time with God, talking to Him about this new year. I prayed that this year God would make His hand in all things known to me. That I would see Him behind the events in my life. I guess become more aware of His presence and His engineering of our circumstances. Not just mine, but what is going on around me in the world. To be aware of His work and trust Him. And in that, I prayed that this year my life would count for Him, that I'd become a little more a part of what He is doing.

Since that day, a theme that keeps arising in my heart when I pray and read and spend time with God is that of seeing what God does and then doing that. And only that. Like Jesus. There's a song that says, "Jesus only did what He saw You do, and He would only say what He heard You speak. And He would only move when He felt You lead, following Your heart, following Your Spirit..." I'm supposed to submit to God the way Jesus did. That means I need to be so intertwined with God that I can sense what He is doing, what His Spirit is saying, where He is leading. And that means I will be so much more effective because I can't really accomplish anything for Him without Him!

Anyway, amidst these themes God has been playing to my heart about Him being the Mover and the one who's life in me should guide me...He put another life inside me! I'm two months pregnant with our first little one.

I have experienced such a huge range of emotions about this baby. From disbelief to excitement to fear to peace to amazement to longing...Truly, God is answering my new year's prayer. He is showing me, up close, His hand, His work!

So the baby. I'm nauseous, exhausted, lacking energy, having weird food cravings, and starting to look a little bigger (I think!) But past all that, I guess I'm really excited and overwhelmed at the same time. I'm not afraid to say I really think it's a boy. Before I found out I was pregnant, but just suspecting I was, I had a dream I was holding a little boy. And for a long time now, since before we got married, I just have had this sense that God is going to give us a son (or sons). We actually have more girls' names picked than boys', and of course we both love little girls, so it really won't matter to us either way. But I just have this feeling. Sometimes I call the baby "he" because I just feel so strongly about it.

I love boys. I love the depth they have to them. I love the potential they possess. And I feel really strongly that boys have been dealt a bad hand by society and are not living up to that potential. I love how sweet and strong boys are. And I just love how stinking cute little boys are!
But, I love little girls too. Little girls like my sister and I... Girls that like to cook, play with beads, color, play with dolls, I love love love them. So really, it doesn't matter one little bit to me what this baby is!

All I know is, I want, very much, for this child to grow up in the presence of God. I want this child to grow up passionate about God. About Jesus. About worship, about missions, about prayer, about compassion, and real genuine faith. I want to raise this child in that. I want him/her to be immersed in God. And that means letting him/her go to whatever He has for him/her. And that means exposing him/her to the real pains of this world so he or she grows up seeing injustice and becoming passionate for justice. Seeing poverty and becoming passionate for changing it. Seeing the sin of this world and becoming passionate for God's kingdom to expand. I want this child to be one of those that the Bible says will see visions and dream dreams.

I don't know how to accomplish that. I guess that's again why, God's telling me, I can't and only His life in me and Andy as parents and His life in this little new life can really make this new life all He's purposed for it to be.

Waiting

I am getting impatient. I am supposed to be working as a tutor again this year. I tutored part time last year for six students in our inner city schools. I loved the job. It was good part time work for me while I interned at a foster care agency and finished college classes, in addition to being newly married and in a new place. Tutoring, in combination with my internship with foster children, made me fall in love with the people of Lima. My kids showed me the needs here in my new community. It made me happy being here, being with Andy, and getting to use my gift with children. You know how you feel when you're in your gift area - happy because you're living outside yourself and being part of the greater good. So that's how I felt. It was hard, especially because education was something new for me. I studied child psychology, not teaching. But tutoring last year taught me that education is an excellent avenue for working with children. It's something practical to offer children and communities. Tutoring got me in touch with kids who were really struggling - at home and at school. It got me into their schools and into their homes. It gave me relationships with kids and their parents and school administrators. And it gave me three hours a week with kids on an individual basis to not only help them with reading and math, but also just to be their friend. And hopefully, to influence their lives for Christ.

However, during that year I was hoping my internship was going to lead to a full time position. Being a caseworker with foster kids would be a dream come true for me. Orphans and foster children are my heart...Also it looked like there would be a good chance of my getting a position there. However, when my internship ended, the agency didn't have enough funding to hire me on. I said goodbye to the four kids I had built relationships with as an intern-case worker. At the same time, the school year was ending so I had to say good bye for the summer to my tutoring students as well. It was really hard! I always feel a little bit restless, incomplete, when I don't have kids in my life. Then I struggled to find a job at all. I finally found a summer job, 10 weeks long, at a church academy. An educational program for kids during the summer. I thought it would be great but it was incredibly stressful and difficult. (I think my first post on this blog describes that stressful summer). Anyhow, after that, at least I'd made some money but it was back to job searching. I ended up deciding to go back to tutoring, which I had loved so much, but because it takes a couple months to set up, I got a part time job waitressing until I'd start the work with kids.
And that brings me here. November 19 and the schools are taking their sweet time getting the tutoring programs underway. We should be assessing kids and creating learning plans for them, at least, so we can begin meeting with them soon. But nothing yet. I've had some interested parents, and will most likely have some of my same students again this year. But still waiting.
I am trying to make good use of this waiting period. I am trying to read up on learning disabilities (most of my students are learning disabled in some way - ADHD, cognitive delays, etc), methods for teaching reading and math, etc. Even though I hate being too busy (one of the reasons I didn't like my summer job) I also hate not being busy enough. Because then I get bored, and feel like I'm doing so little. And there is so much I want to do, so much need! But, it makes me feel a little unneeded? You know? Do you ever feel like that? Unnecessary?? I have felt that way a lot since living in Lima. It's strange.

And this is the thing - I have talked to several parents, teachers, and administrators at local charter schools that would LOVE to utilize our free tutoring services. There is a lot of need for this. But there is only funding for a certain number of kids, and charter schools run on a different system than city schools do. So even though they have so many students that need tutoring - and need it free, there's nothing we can do. We have to have the funding and legitimization of the state, I guess you could say, because we are funded by No Child Left Behind, in order to establish any kind of approved program to help these kids.
It's so frustrating! Here I am, wanting to help, and my hands are tied. There they are, needing help, and there's nothing I can do.

I don't really have anything else to say. So here's my prayer to God about all this, you can listen in if you want:

I need to learn how to be content...Content when I'm not able to do much. But I want to do so much. So anyway, here I am God, I want to be used, please use me. And please make me content when I feel like I'm doing nothing, as long as I'm here, available for You to use. Just make me ready when You call.

Home is Where the Heart Is.....Where is Home??

I'm having a wonderful time visiting my parents and brother. It is great seeing them, seeing the familiar little things of home, remembering my roots. But I miss my husband with all my heart. It is so sad that I can't have the dearest people all together. Why does life have to take us all so far apart? Why can't we have our families all together? Why doesn't God have me and Andy live near our families? Though I'm happy with where God has taken us, and so love our marriage and our life in Ohio, it saddens me that we can't all be together. Also, I realize that part of the struggle has been that when I got married, everything changed. Not only did I get married which was a big life-change, but I moved far from our family, friends, and home. I grew to love Ohio quickly, mostly due to how welcoming everyone in our church was to me. And when I found a job, my life became even more fulfilling quickly. And the most important part was, no matter what else, I was with my best friend - Andy. But there's always been this sad place in my heart that has so missed being near family. There's something about your family and home that gives you a rootedness, and I have struggled with the lack of it since being in Ohio.