Waiting

I am getting impatient. I am supposed to be working as a tutor again this year. I tutored part time last year for six students in our inner city schools. I loved the job. It was good part time work for me while I interned at a foster care agency and finished college classes, in addition to being newly married and in a new place. Tutoring, in combination with my internship with foster children, made me fall in love with the people of Lima. My kids showed me the needs here in my new community. It made me happy being here, being with Andy, and getting to use my gift with children. You know how you feel when you're in your gift area - happy because you're living outside yourself and being part of the greater good. So that's how I felt. It was hard, especially because education was something new for me. I studied child psychology, not teaching. But tutoring last year taught me that education is an excellent avenue for working with children. It's something practical to offer children and communities. Tutoring got me in touch with kids who were really struggling - at home and at school. It got me into their schools and into their homes. It gave me relationships with kids and their parents and school administrators. And it gave me three hours a week with kids on an individual basis to not only help them with reading and math, but also just to be their friend. And hopefully, to influence their lives for Christ.

However, during that year I was hoping my internship was going to lead to a full time position. Being a caseworker with foster kids would be a dream come true for me. Orphans and foster children are my heart...Also it looked like there would be a good chance of my getting a position there. However, when my internship ended, the agency didn't have enough funding to hire me on. I said goodbye to the four kids I had built relationships with as an intern-case worker. At the same time, the school year was ending so I had to say good bye for the summer to my tutoring students as well. It was really hard! I always feel a little bit restless, incomplete, when I don't have kids in my life. Then I struggled to find a job at all. I finally found a summer job, 10 weeks long, at a church academy. An educational program for kids during the summer. I thought it would be great but it was incredibly stressful and difficult. (I think my first post on this blog describes that stressful summer). Anyhow, after that, at least I'd made some money but it was back to job searching. I ended up deciding to go back to tutoring, which I had loved so much, but because it takes a couple months to set up, I got a part time job waitressing until I'd start the work with kids.
And that brings me here. November 19 and the schools are taking their sweet time getting the tutoring programs underway. We should be assessing kids and creating learning plans for them, at least, so we can begin meeting with them soon. But nothing yet. I've had some interested parents, and will most likely have some of my same students again this year. But still waiting.
I am trying to make good use of this waiting period. I am trying to read up on learning disabilities (most of my students are learning disabled in some way - ADHD, cognitive delays, etc), methods for teaching reading and math, etc. Even though I hate being too busy (one of the reasons I didn't like my summer job) I also hate not being busy enough. Because then I get bored, and feel like I'm doing so little. And there is so much I want to do, so much need! But, it makes me feel a little unneeded? You know? Do you ever feel like that? Unnecessary?? I have felt that way a lot since living in Lima. It's strange.

And this is the thing - I have talked to several parents, teachers, and administrators at local charter schools that would LOVE to utilize our free tutoring services. There is a lot of need for this. But there is only funding for a certain number of kids, and charter schools run on a different system than city schools do. So even though they have so many students that need tutoring - and need it free, there's nothing we can do. We have to have the funding and legitimization of the state, I guess you could say, because we are funded by No Child Left Behind, in order to establish any kind of approved program to help these kids.
It's so frustrating! Here I am, wanting to help, and my hands are tied. There they are, needing help, and there's nothing I can do.

I don't really have anything else to say. So here's my prayer to God about all this, you can listen in if you want:

I need to learn how to be content...Content when I'm not able to do much. But I want to do so much. So anyway, here I am God, I want to be used, please use me. And please make me content when I feel like I'm doing nothing, as long as I'm here, available for You to use. Just make me ready when You call.