Sadness...

the team with our Gran :)

The past few weeks have been quite an emotional journey for me. My sister and her family, who came to South Africa with us and who have been our teammates in ministry, have decided that they must leave to go back to the States. I have just shared this news with supporters, and my sister wrote a beautiful, personal explanation of their decision on her blog here. I have been quiet here on my blog the past few weeks because until I was free to share this, it would have been difficult to be honest with my feelings. Their leaving affects our lives here in many ways. It affects our view point, it affects our ministry, our day to day life, our friendships. Claire and Bryan have been our closest friends over the past few months (and of course Claire and I have been best friends through LIFE - so to live near each other for a few months with our families was an incredible gift from God. We never lived near each other in the States since being married and away from home. I am so thankful we were able to support each other in these first few months of adjusting to the missions field and a brand new culture. Bryan and Andy have worked so well together, and our girls play together so beautifully (aside from the occasional hair pulling or dummie-stealing, of course). Though we have missed our other family members so very much, it was a comfort to have each other in this huge step. It was also a bit of a dream come true to finally live near my sister after several years apart.

Obviously we planned on all being here longer. I have had my nights of confusion and frustration. I have come more to terms for now with everything, but I am preparing myself for a new flood of emotions in a few weeks when they actually leave. I am supportive of my sister and her husband for doing what they think is best for their family, but of course it doesn't stop the sadness. 

This has all led Andy and I to a lot of conversations and prayer about what God's will is for our family. While we mourn the leaving of Claire, Bryan, Peyton, and the little niece-to-be, and while we grieve their loss from our lives and ministry here, we also feel that God is showing us that even as they are feeling led to return to the States, He is leading us to stay here, at least for this season. We are feeling a sense that there is much more He wants our family to experience and learn and be involved with here. It gives us a sense of excitement and anticipation, even in the sadness. We are excited to see God's plan unfold, even while we pray He continues to give us clarity for the decisions we must make to follow the path in front of us. One of the ways we are acting this out is by pursuing renting an unfurnished home. We raised "start-up" money to reestablish our home, replacing the furnishings and necessities we left behind in Ohio. However, we have been in a furnished apartment for now, since we did not know where for sure we would live, etc when we got here. For us, the step of moving into an unfurnished apartment, and pursuing a bit longer lease (12-18 mos for now) is very symbolic. It means that we are putting down some sort of roots. It means we are saying, we are here - for however long that will be. We have no idea how long God has us here. It could be just 2 years, it could be longer. But we feel the strong desire to make home here for our family and for ministry in this season. We feel we are to "settle" at least for now, and be all here - not living with the mindset that we will be leaving soon. 

I am anticipating a new flood of loneliness, homesickness, fear, and anxiety when my sister leaves. I am preparing for those emotions. I know it will be difficult to maintain the closeness of all our family relationships. I am sad for Norah who is the only grandchild on both sides to not be near her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I am afraid that Norah and Peyton will really feel the loss of each other. I definitely have a lot of those moments where I think, "what am I doing here?" But I also have a sense of God working in our family, drawing us closer, being here with us, and doing something way beyond what I can see. The unseen. I have to look for the unseen, once again. And once again, I must make home wherever we are for my family. In this apartment, in a new one, in a foreign country or my own. Wherever it is God has us, no matter who is or is not with us. 

I know that the memories my sister and I and our families share from this time will always be there. And I feel good when I think that they are trying to do what is best for their family. We're sisters, but our husbands and babies always come first. I know that just as Andy and I must do what we feel God is calling us to do for Norah, Claire must do for Peyton and their other children. And I support her in that. And our dream that one day we will be little old ladies together still stands. :)

Please say a prayer for me and for my sister in this time, pray that God gives all of us clarity for His vision for us and our families, and for the work He has called each of us to do.