Aha Moment: Don't Make Obedience an Option

So there's some blogs out there that just give me "aha" moments every time I read them. I've already posted an article by Maureen on Childwise Chat (on first time obedience) but am going to have to link to her yet again. The first few lines reminded me of something I'd just said to Norah. I told her she needed to take a good nap or she was going to miss out on her movie time afterwards. Whenever I make these sorts of "threats" I find myself desperately hoping she understands and complies. (I love her movie time - it kind of extends nap time, woohoo!) So I often wonder, would I actually be able to carry through with this threat if she chooses to disobey? But anyway, then I read Maureen's reasoning to NOT make these sort of "front-loading consequences" as she calls them. Wow - makes perfect sense! See what I mean:

In the spirit of explaining to our children what we expect of them, it can be easy to go too far. This comes into play when we front-load consequences. It sounds like this:

• Settle down at bedtime or you’ll lose some story time.

• Be quiet in the car or you’ll have a timeout when we get home.

• Speak nicely to your brother or you’ll have to do your homework in your room.

That “or else” is what gets us into trouble.

Weighing the odds:  

What’s wrong with warning our children of the consequence? It allows them to weigh the odds when they decide whether to obey. It makes obedience a choice. 

If a child is having a particularly fun time at bedtime, he may just decide that he prefers it, even if it means losing some story time. If he’s in a particularly bad mood, he may decide that it’s worth it to be nasty to his sibling even if it means having to go to his room.

Don’t make obedience an option.

Threats: When a parent front-loads consequences, it blurs the line between explanation and threat. It’s easy to threaten our kids with a consequence if we think it will improve their behavior. But most of the time, it won’t. Threats train our kids to ignore our word.

Spontaneous consequences: Consequences given spontaneously, without warning, are most effective. When we catch our children off guard (usually when they are expecting a threat or a warning), they pay attention.

When I do this, my kids stand up straight, immediately look into my eyes, and stop whatever it is they’re doing. It’s great that I’ve gotten them to comply, but I can’t not follow through. I have to issue the consequence.

Use this for infractions that the child clearly knows are wrong. If he’s bouncing around in his chair at the table, and it’s something you’ve been working on, send him into timeout as soon as you spot the behavior. There’s no need for a warning.

If you know the child knows it’s wrong and he’s still doing it (intentional or not), he deserves a consequence.