A Woman is a Mother

I really, really, really love being a mommy. Like really, really, really love it! I remember being about 8 years old and playing in the beautiful playhouse our dad made me and my sister, and pretending I was a mommy. I remember carrying my baby doll, Clara (who is now lovingly cared for by my 2 year old) everywhere I went, the whole year I was 9. I remember one day I accidentally lost her somewhere. I was devastated. I even walked outside in the yard calling her name, believing somehow she could hear me, and that she was probably wondering where I was. 

When I was older I started volunteering with kids. I knew, from age 13, that kids had to be a huge part of my life. I studied child psychology in college, went on missions trips and volunteered in orphanages and local ministries for at-risk kids. I wanted to be an advocate for kids, and spend my life on them.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and probably a homeschooling one like my own mom. I knew I wanted to adopt. But somehow I felt it would probably be more spiritual for me to work with kids who didn't have good homes, instead of having my own children and just being with them. I always had an idealistic dream of working in an orphanage overseas, loving on children all day long and sacrificing my life for  them.

Two years after Andy and I were married, we got pregnant. No joke - my first thought? "I don't have time to read books on pregnancy and having a baby!" (Yeah, I'm kind of a nerd.) I was working several part time jobs - substitute teaching, tutoring, and working with a foster care agency. Andy and I were planning on moving to South Africa to be missionaries with a youth agency. Wasn't this not the right time to have our own baby?

I'm so glad God was in charge of that and not me! My heart quickly got over the "no-time-to-prepare" OCD thing, and Andy and I were thrilled that we were going to have a little girl. We knew it was God's timing, and we delayed our departure date for South Africa by 8 months (we had originally been planning to move to SA the month Norah was due!) 

We fell head over heels in love with Norah. I quit my other jobs as soon as she was born, and fully embraced becoming a stay at home mom. As excited as I was about South Africa, I hated that the preparations for moving there were distracting me from focusing fully on Norah. There was so much I wanted to learn now, so much I wanted to do. And I found that being home with Norah made me excited about other aspects of my home too. I wanted to get better at cooking, housekeeping, teaching, sewing. I felt like I was fresh to all these other areas to grow in. Life was colorful, bright, simple, and so beautiful. 

We made the move when Norah was 8 months. It was heart-breaking knowing that family wasn't going to get to see our baby very much, but we stuck to our guns and went. It was an incredible year. Of course, we planned it to be much longer, but that is another story I have been over before. 

However, I quickly found that I couldn't be all I wanted to be for Norah and for the ministry. Even though children's ministry - especially in overseas missions - had been my dream for so long. Somehow, my heart just wasn't in it like it would have been if I didn't have my own child. I felt too conflicted every time my little baby had to sacrifice a nap, or every time I had to take her away overnight or ministry obligations distracted me from the things I felt were important to be focusing on in her development. I knew the exposure she was having to family ministry was invaluable, but it was just that my heart had changed.

Thankfully my husband is very sympathetic to my desires, and he likes me to be at home with our children. I'm so glad for that! As much as possible, I was full-time mom and he did full-time ministry, though we often had children and others in our home and I was able to serve so much that way. I loved caring for Atle in our home as well, and truly, that was the perfect "ministry" situation. Having a child as part of our family and home life, and getting to invest in her along with our family in personal, daily interactions.

Now, back in the States, I miss South Africa and the missions lifestyle so much that my heart breaks every time I think of it (which is every day). I think about Atle all the time, and still feel so much sorrow that things with her didn't work out the way I wish they had.

Atle mothering Norah

I'm helping out with our new church's Dream Center this year, once a week helping a group of 2nd-5th graders who are struggling with homework. I love that I can still be doing things with kids, and be a part of our church's ministry in our community. But you know what? My heart is still the happiest when I'm home with Norah the rest of the day. I love our days. I love planning her little "homeschool" activities. I love thinking of what our life will be like next spring when our second little girl, Elyse, arrives. I love researching homeschooling methods, figuring out the best approach to potty training, praying and talking to Andy about things we need to work on with Norah's behavior, teaching Norah Bible verses, songs, and the alphabet. I love cuddling on the couch with her and reading. I love listening to her "read" to me. I love taking her to story time at the library. I love it when she tells me, "I yove you ever, ever, ever." I love drawing while she colors as we listen to classical music. I love baking with her, as messy as it gets. I love every part of our day. I'm at the Dream Center for 3 hours a week, one day a week, and 2 of those hours Norah is at home sleeping, while Andy is home with her. Yet I miss her SO much and hate being away from her even for those hours. 

And yet - and here is the point of this whole, rambly post - I still feel this pressure to BE something more than a mom. I still feel that pressure to DO something else. To have something else to tell people that I am. The whole world has become alive to me since I became a mom - never have I ever found any other role in which I can so fully thrive and reach the full potential God has given me - and yet I feel it is insufficient. And if I'm being honest with myself, I wonder if it is sufficient to raise my daughter to "just" be a mother, as well. 

I read this post today on another blog (Chocolate on my Cranium) that just made me sigh, and smile, and say, "ah, there it is." This post quotes from an author, who, although I don't agree with on religious doctrines, I can truly say I fully agree with on her stance (as quoted here) on motherhood.

"Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us." ~ Sheri L. Dew,Are We Not All Mothers?, Ensign Nov. 2001

I remember the morning I was to be induced to deliver Norah. I knew I was having my baby that day. I was scared, overwhelmed, yet so excited. I turned to the passage that I loved but was also very mysterious and puzzling to me. I had often tried to give it some superspiritual, symbolic meaning, but that day, its meaning was incredibly literal and practical to me:

"But women will be saved through childbearing - if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety." - 1 Timothy 2:15

I have thought of this verse many times over the past 2 years. Thinking of the ways I have grown and been sanctified and humbled through this little child. And oh how glad I am that this is the life God has given me, and in fact created me for even when I was a child. To be a mother.

Yesterday at the Dream Center, a couple younger kids complained to me that three older girls were being mean to them. I approached those girls, and said firmly, "You are girls, and whether you like that or not, this means that you are mommies. You have a responsibility to take care of the younger children." I wasn't sure exactly where that came from, but doesn't it break anybody's heart to see a girl or a woman mistreating a child? In contrast, one of the most beautiful things to see is a girl, even Norah's age, cradling a doll or taking care of a younger baby. This is a woman's design. Sheri Dew points out that Eve was called "the mother of all living" before she ever bore a child. Cocoa, the author of this beautiful blog (and a mother of 9) says, "Mother is my identity. It is every woman's identity. It is our gift from a loving Heavenly Father."

mother at 18 months

I've never read the book Parenting Is Your Highest Calling: And 8 Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt. I'm sure it is a wonderful book with a title that causes people to pick up the book and learn some really freeing things about depending on God instead of our own parenting methods. I can understand what the point is. But all the title does for me is make me wonder if I should feel guilty for feeling so strongly about being a mom. When I agree with Cocoa that "mother is my identity," I would never put that before my identity as a believer in Christ. But WHY do they have to be separate? Why do we have to feel guilty for loving that which God has designed us in Christ to do? Do you ever think, if you love something so much, that must say something about God's plan for you? So why do we feel so much pressure to go beyond that? Why do we separate spiritual and the every day things of raising kids or loving our spouse? Yeah, it's hard, and not every single second of being a mom is fun. But is anything always fun?

Being a mom isn't just having your own children. That's why I told those little girls that they are moms too. I firmly believe that all women are designed to nurture life. Whether biologically or spiritually. But the fact is, God has given me biological children and a family and home to nurture any other children that He brings to my home. And I am so glad. And I'm not going to feel guilty any more for loving it.

When women deny they are mothers - whether they have born children or not - they are denying not only that gift but the Giver of the gift. (-Cocoa)