The Way I'm Feeling Today

I'm going to have to get a little better at this blogging...I guess I didn't realize anyone actually would read what I write!! I'll figure this out...

Yesterday was the last day of a summer job I took on working with first to third graders. I worked at a daycare/church-community school. I applied because I a) needed a job desperately, b) had no other leads, c) was dying to work with kids again, and d) because it was supposed to be an academic program and I enjoyed my previous work tutoring students. However, I wasn't prepared for what a challenge the program would be. Much to my surprise :) the kids weren't as thrilled as I was about doing workbooks and improving their reading and math skills all summer long. Needless to say, much of my days were spent struggling to manage behavior, cope with temper tantrums, teach 20 kids in three different grade levels, trying to persuade children to do things they didn't want to do, and most of all, trying to keep them quiet and under some sort of control so we didn't upset the rest of the center in the process! (My efforts were not very successful). Though I enjoyed each of the children individually, and we had many moments where I felt I loved these kids, I also found myself hating it more. I felt I barely reached the end (10 weeks); I was exhausted, stressed, and emotionally drained.

And today, of course, my feelings are uncertain once again. Because as glad I am that the job's done, now I miss the kids. Now I wonder what I could have done to manage it better? And as exhausted as I still feel...I'm starting to feel some compassion for these kids.

Something's wrong with children today. In case you haven't noticed...they are aggressive. They are spoiled. They are self-centered. And they are hurting, really, really badly.

I knew these things. I knew about the hurts, but I didn't feel I could do much for these kids in that atmosphere. There were so many times I had to push one child's needs aside in order to intervene and stop another child from what seemed like more critical behavior at the moment. I had to focus on classroom management more than individual needs. As a result, I lost my patience, I lost my temper, and I failed to see each child at each moment from a God-perspective. And that's what I hated about the job. I didn't like the way it made me feel at the end of the day. I don't like trying to control people...because I can't. And I don't think controlling them is helping them.

So I learned some important things about myself in this job. I do feel called to help kids, but I don't believe it's in that way. Not in a large classroom, not when behavior management is the main task. And that's ok. I can help kids in other ways...and I don't have to feel badly that my strengths aren't in that area.
I learned a little how to improve my weaknesses though. During the ten weeks I had kind of an eye-opening experience with God...spurred not only by my job but also by other things going on at the time. I am a people-pleaser, I want people to like me, and I have allowed that to control me all my life. I have let everyone walk over me, and that's not being a servant like I thought. No, it's just choosing to please people rather than Christ. So this summer I started setting some boundaries. I tried this at work. I tried to establish more firm boundaries with my kids. "Miss Leigh, why are you being mean today?" they asked me!! And I started saying no to people in other areas. Not selfishly, but beginning to see that it's better for others too if I establish boundaries in my life. For the kids, it is far better for them when I discipline consistently and set boundaries. I fear for these kids if their behavior continues to go unchecked.
But the problem with them, is there's only so much I as a teacher could do. If my efforts went unmatched at home with their own parents, I almost might as well have not tried.
And that is the problem. This is why I don't like day care. Because I'm trying to do a job that is not mine, not really. It's a job the parents should have been doing. And they're not, and that's why teachers and child care workers are stressed out and jaded against children. And it's why the children are agressive, spoiled, angry, and hurting. And that's why our future generation is looking really scary.

Is there more I could have done? What could I have changed this summer? I'm too tired still to figure that out...but I'm sure the Holy Spirit will be working in me to help me see. Mostly, I think He's going to make me feel really sad when I think back on these kids and their behaviors, and cause me to pray for them. I hope that He does...because after all, praying IS the most I can do.